Every word of this story is true, easily verifiable through your own independent research/'googling'/etc, if you so choose. I couldn't possibly make this stuff up -- it is simply too strange to be fiction. It is also, in my humble opinion, quite funny. The following headline is taken directly from today's Toronto Metro daily newspaper:
"Ex 'gay penguins' part of egg-stravaganza"
The story goes on to explain what happened to with the world-famous bromance of Buddy and Pedro, the Toronto Zoo's 'formerly' homosexual African penguins. In case you don't remember the story that shocked decent folks all over the planet, the two forlorn lovebirds (pun intended) were forcibly separated last year after a long, scandalous affair -- disgracefully split apart by overzealous zoologists selfishly concerned with the biological advancement of the endangered African penguin species.
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| Buddy and Pedro during happier times |
Forced into a new life of lies and confusion over their true identities, Buddy and Pedro were imprisoned against their will with respective female counterparts and made to do the unthinkable -- they were forced to mate. Yes, I'm afraid it's true. Buddy and Pedro and their female mates have been laying eggs at the Toronto Zoo, under a veil of secrecy, misinformation and deceit.
Unfortunately, however, the consequences of such unspeakable cruelty have been less than ideal, to say the least. For example, Buddy and his partner, Farai, laid eggs that hatched last February, but the "excited new parents built a too-tight nest and smothered the chicks accidentally" (metronews.ca, 11/14/2012). I'm not surprised. My theory on this is that Buddy, obviously traumatized by the experience of being pimped out to a ghastly, all-too-willing female penguin, is suffering from acute post-traumatic-stress-disorder. And, as such, the stress caused him to act impulsively and carelessly, thus resulting in the smothering of the aforementioned newly-hatched penguin chicks. Now, saddled with the additional burdens of guilt and shame, Buddy remains in a state of hopeless despair as he is resigned to a life of heterosexual penguin hell.
Such a disastrous outcome should have been expected by a society of zookeepers and hyper-idealistic scientists who are more concerned with the notion of 'saving' a supposedly endangered species of penguins. These monsters trampled all over the identity and emotional well-being of two harmless penguins whose only 'fault' in life was that they happened to have been born different from most other penguins. I'm beside myself over this.
First of all, I'm sick of this nonsense about 'endangered species.' Human beings are the most endangered species on the planet, without question. Yet, we allow human homosexuals to marry and adopt children here in Canada and a growing number of U.S. states. Shouldn't we allow penguins the same right?? The concept of saving an endangered species is preposterous to begin with, as George Carlin explains in the video below). And, by the way, what the hell is an "African penguin" anyway. Last time I checked, Africa wasn't exactly known for its penguins, but I could be wrong.
I'll continue to do my part to update my stateside friends of ongoing saga. If the province of Ontario is kind enough to grant me a law license in the next year or so, I promise to see that this injustice does not go unpunished. What goes around comes around, and I have some particularly perverse punishment in mind for the perpetrators of this inhumanity.
-peace/warm regards:
jeremy
